The Glass Ceiling and other things that need to be broken

“It’s difficult to see the glass ceiling because it’s made of glass.  Virtually invisible.  What we need is for more birds to fly above it, and shit all over it, so we can see it properly.”

- Caitlin Moran


At the moment, I am reading one of the best books I have ever read.  How To Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran is described by The Independent as: ‘Engaging, brave and consistently, cleverly, naughtily funny.’ Some reviewers have said that this is a book that EVERY woman should read; I’ll go one step further, I believe every woman AND man should read this book.

The book isn’t just about Moran’s opinion on what it means to be a woman, it is a searing social commentary. It addresses women’s weight and body image; modern feminism; love, marriage, children and family; abortion; fashion; role models and so much more.  Moran’s syle of writing is funny and achingly honest.  It’s painful to read, but you can’t help yourself from laughing.

The entire book deserves attention and praise, but for this post, I want to focus on her chapter on Sexism and The Glass Ceiling. Moran describes sexism and The Glass Ceiling in a way that is not very PC; funny but uncomfortable:

Most sexism is down to men being accustomed to us being the losers.  That’s what the problem is.  We just have bad status. For men born pre-feminism, this is what they were raised on: second-class citizen mothers; sisters who need to be married off; female schoolmates going to secretarial school, then becoming housewives. Women who disengaged. Disappeared.

These men are the CEOs of our big companies, the big guys on the stock markets, the advisors to governments.  They dictate working hours and maternity leave, economic priorities and societal mores. And, of course, they don’t feel equality in their bones – sexism runs deep in their generation. Their automatic reaction is to regard women as ‘other.’

Even those men born post-feminism, raised on textbooks and marches and their own mothers leaving each morning for the office, however much they might believe in the theoretical equality of women, and respect those around them . . . have a quiet voice inside them that says ‘If women are the true equals of men, where’s the proof?’ And it is not just a voice inside men.  It’s inside women too . . . Creativity, we silently fretted should really have begun the moment legislation changed.  All manner of female incredibleness – pent up for centuries – should have been unleashed; flattening trees for thousands of miles around, like a pyroclastic blast.  But it wasn’t.  Because simply being able to vote isn’t the same as true equality.

Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook gives her opinion of why we have too few women leaders. She explains that as a general rule the data shows that women systematically underestimate their own abilities, while men generally overestimate their own. Men tend to attribute their success to themselves and women attribute it to external factors. Men tend to think they did a good job because they themselves are good at their job, whereas women will often say they had to work extra hard or that someone helped them. Sanderberg stresses that women need to start believing they deserve their own success.

An important factor that Sandberg describes as vitally important is that success and likability are positively correlated for men, but negatively correlated for women. In the following TED Talk, Sandberg talks about a study that strikingly illustrates this.

Both Caitlin Moran’s book and Sheryl Sandberg’s talk caused discomfort in a way, yet were incredibly eye-opening for me. It’s easy to blame men for “keeping us down” – but the reality is that we, as women, have a responsibility to make the changes ourselves.  We have to not only believe that we are equal and deserve to be treated as such, but to get out there and do what needs to be done.  That doesn’t mean that we have to act like men, and if our brains are wired differently, maybe that’s not even possible.  And considering the state of politics and the environment, I for one am not convinced that the present mode of leadership is the best way anyway.  But if women want a chance to make a difference and to take the lead, then we have to do it for ourselves.  We have to step up. And a good way to start is to read How To Be a Woman and watch Why we have too few women leaders.

Please take the time to comment, I’d love to hear your opinion on this topic. And as always thanks for stopping by, I appreciate it.

Are Men and Women Wired Differently?

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.  Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.”

- Katherine Hepburn


I just had the most delicious conversation with my dear friend Tam.  She and I have been friends for over 30 years.  When we talk, we go straight to heart level, which I value so much and crave so deeply.  As a woman, this need for deep heart connection is so important to me. And this brings me to the essence of this post,  yet another layer of stuff my husband and I are working through. 

I won’t go into the full background of the latest turmoil, it’s more than a argument or disagreement – it feels like a deep mis-understanding of the sexes.  Our communication feels like he’s trying to connect from the head and me from the heart, and I end up feeling like a bleeding mess in a puddle in the corner and he is trying to analize why and how it happened and what exactly was said to get there and what words can deal with it. 

After talking to Tam and to my sister and a couple of other friends, I noticed once again, not surprisingly that men and women really communicate differently. So I decided to do some research, and I found that it’s not surprising that we communicate so differently because research shows that men’s brains don’t work the same way that women’s brains work.   There is so much new research out there showing us beyond a shadow of a doubt that men and women are wired differently.

According to psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen, the female brain is wired to empathize and the male brain is characterized by its tendency to systemize. The male brain seeks to develop a set of logical rules that guide another person’s behavior. When a man can’t understand someone else’s behavior through logic, he tends to become confused about how to proceed.  Women, on the other hand, may be more empathetic because their brains’ mirror neurons are more sensitive than men’s. Mirror neurons cause us to imitate emotions and actions that we’re exposed to. One theory is that women’s mirror neurons allow them to more easily hone in on another person’s emotional cues.

This quote just made so much sense to me!  I get so frustrated because it feels like my husband is trying to understand me “logically” – and does not understand emotional cues.  But if he’s not wired to do so, can I hold this against him?  Ah there’s the rub.  So I guess we just keep trying to find the common ground, and to work through this morass called relationship.

This video clip is a long one, well over an hour, but if you are interested in this subject, please do take the time to watch it, it offers some fascinating information on the brain differences between men and women.

 

 

I’d love to hear what helps you communicate better and how you make your relationships work. And as always thanks for stopping by, I appreciate it.

 

What motivates us at work?

“It seems that most of us thrive by feeling a sense of purpose. ”

- Dan Ariely


What motivates us at work?  What is it that drives us? Many people believe it is how much money you make.  But that didn’t make sense to me, there are too many other factors involved. Then I saw this quote by Dan ArielyIt seems that most of us thrive by feeling a sense of purpose. And I thought – yes that’s it.

And an experience last week at my work – Figjam Workshops – illustrated that beautifully.  Last week, my business partner Deb and I finished facilitating a 5 week Creative Empowerment Workshop for a group.  And during the closing circle, one of the participants said that during the workshop he had an epiphany, and that the workshop had changed his life!  Needless to say, Deb and I were in tears, and we looked at each other and both felt it – This is why we do this work!

It’s not for the money! Working for a charitable trust will never make us rich, as a matter of fact, by the end of the year when funding has run out, we usually find ourselves working several weeks for no pay at all.  We do the work because we love it.  And we love it because we feel an incredible sense of purpose.

Dan Ariely, professor of Psychology and Behavioral Economics at Duke University and a founding member of the Center for Advanced Hindsight, has this to say about motivation at work:

“So when we think about labor, we usually think about motivation and payment as the same thing, but the reality is that we should probably add all kinds of things to it – meaning, creation, challenges, ownership, identity, pride, etc. And the good news is that if we added all of those components and thought about them, how do we create our own meaning, pride, motivation, and how do we do it in our workplace and for the employees, I think we could get people to both be more productive and happier.”

In this stimulating and entertaining talk, Dan Ariely explains What Makes Us Feel Good About Our Work?

 

 

I’d love to hear about what makes you feel good about your work.  And as always, thank you for visiting, I appreciate it.

Why are happy people happy?

“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
your thoughts become your words,
your words become your actions,
your actions become your habits,
your habits become your values,
your values become your destiny”

- Mahatma Gandhi


I’m a happy person.  In my deepest core of being, I believe people are good, that things will work out and that essentially life is good!  I’m an optimist, what can I say?  I often have people say to me, “How come you are so happy? Why are you such an optimist?” And to be honest, I don’t have a pat answer for that.  So this weekend, when I got asked that, I decided to do some research, and I found some pretty interesting stuff.

One article I particularly liked was on a very cool blog called Successify! The creator of Successify, Dr. Kris Heap, credits Chiara Fucarino for the article. So I say thank you to both of these women for an amazing list.  The list boils down to the fact that happy people have positive habits.  They claim that there  are 22 things that Happy People do that create positive habits.

1. Don’t hold grudges.

2. Treat everyone with kindness.

3. See problems as challenges.

4. Express gratitude for what they already have.

5. Dream big.

6. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

7. Speak well of others.

8. Never make excuses.

9. Get absorbed into the present.

10. Wake up at the same time every morning.

11. Avoid social comparison.

12. Choose friends wisely.

13. Never seek approval from others.

14. Take the time to listen.

15. Nurture social relationships.

16. Meditate.

17. Eat well.

18. Exercise.

19. Live minimally.

20. Tell the truth.

21. Establish personal control.

22. Accept what cannot be changed.

For the full post and explainations of the 22 habits, do go visit Successify! It’s a great site.

But according to Gandhi, (and honestly, who’s gonna argue with him?) – Habits themselves come way down the list, following actions, words, thoughts and beliefs. So I decided to explore each of these in turn.  On my next blog post, I’ll explore beliefs, both positive and negative, and how they impact us.

But in the meantime, I’d like to leave you with a song. When I was thinking of a happy song, I was brought back to 1968, I was 10 years old, at Lincoln School, in the 5th grade. Our teacher, Miss Brown, let us listen to 45s in the class sometimes.  And I loved this song.  It made me happy – it’s just a happy song!

 

 

I’d love to hear about your habits – are they positive or negative?  Do they make you happier or bring you down?  And as always, thanks for stopping by, I appreciate it.

 

 

 

If you cannot see anything beautiful about yourself – get a better mirror . . .

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”

- Dalai Lama


I still have tears in my eyes as I write this – having just read an article about another teen in NZ who committed suicide due to bullying.  The suicide rate among young males in New Zealand is the highest in the OECD.  It’s appalling! Where is the compassion? Is compassion among young people diminishing?  Can it be brought back?  Can it be taught? Some say that compassion cannot be taught, but I believe it can.  Recent studies seem to suggest that it can.

At the University of Virginia, Compassionate Care and Empathic Leadership Initiative — a lengthy, fancy name for a simple, purposeful way to teach kindness, usher resilience and nurture compassion — is seeding change in fertile ground.

It appears that compassion can be taught, according to an article in Huffington Post.

Voluteerism can lead to compassion, and educational institutions are a central pillar in fostering volunteerism among youth. Indeed, it appears that compassion can be taught, which means that today’s educational institutions carry greater social responsibility than ever.

Please take the time to watch this amazing video by a young man who was bullied.  Shane Koyczan took his pain and created something mesmerizing.

To This Day,” is his spoken-word poem about bullying.

 

 

I’d love to hear what you thought about this YouTube video.  And as always, thank you for stopping by, I appreciate it.

 

 

 

It makes my heart sing!


“To change the world, we need to combine Ancient Wisdom with new technologies”

- Paulo Coelho


I had an interesting talk with a participant on one of my workshops the other day.  She asked me what I liked about facilitating workshops, and I answered that when we have a good workshop It makes my heart sing and it nourishes my soul. Then I stopped and laughed when I heard my words.  And I realized how my words so described which “brains” I use when I facilitate workshops.  And when I later thought about how I feel when I teach a class, I realized that the words I would use to describe that experience would be more intellectually stimulating. Which of course brought to mind  mBraining. For those of you who missed my post on this wonderful book and website, check out Trusting Your Gut!

The idea that we have 3 brains is exciting, but also a challenge in a way.  It’s our challenge to integrate these 3 brains, and to pay attention how they work together. Anil K Rajvanshi, a writer in India puts it this way:

To produce deep thought which helps in improving the wellbeing of a person, the gut and heart brains must work together with the main brain. When all work harmoniously, it creates a healthy body and a powerful mind.

I think one way to start to meet that challenge of integration is to pay attention to our words.  How do we describe things and experiences.  Language is a wonderful way to hear where we are experiencing things in our body.  Do you speak of heart ache, do you live in your head, do you listen to your gut instincts?  Do you have butterflies in the stomach - which is as Michael Mosley points out:

 The brain in the stomach talking to the brain in your head. As we get nervous or fearful, blood gets diverted from our gut to our muscles and this is the stomach’s way of protesting.

I’d like to close with a fascinating TED Talk that my son Devin showed me the other day. It’s not really tied into the 3 brains, except that it made my heart sing, it was intellectually stimulating and nourished my soul.  Enjoy!
I’d love to hear what makes your heart sing and how you integrate your three brains.  And as always, thank you for stopping by, I appreciate it.

 

 

 

What would you regret?

“Remorse is the poison of life.”

- CHARLOTTE BRONTE


I was having a rich conversation the other night with a friend about regret.  She asked me, if you died right now, what would you regret most? And honestly, I don’t think I would have many regrets.  I did some stupid things in my life, but nothing horrific, and most of the stupid stuff actually made me who I am.  And now at 55 years old, I like my life and I feel like I’m pretty much living according to my values.  And that feels really good. The most important thing to me is my connection to people – to my sons, to my husband, to my sister and my niece, to my friends. And I feel like I work hard to keep those connections.  I feel like I’ve worked hard to connect with my authentic self, and to not give myself away anymore.

And in terms of regrets for what I haven’t done yet – well I have done most of the things that I have really wanted to do in this lifetime – I have a wonderful family and two amazing children, I have a home that I love, I have travelled a lot – I feel very blessed . . . although sigh, to be honest if I was dying before my book got published, that would be a regret.

We were having the conversation after she had sent me this article in The Guardian:

The Top Five Regrets of the Dying

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

The top regrets seem to reflect remorse over a life where people did not honor their authentic selves, where they let the pressure of others and of expectations rule how they lived. I think it is a good question to ask a friend, or oneself – If this were your last day of life, what would you regret? Am I living my life in line with my authentic self?  Do I have the courage to truly be myself and live my life according to my highest values?

The same day that I had that conversation with my friend, another friend sent me an email with this link for THE OVERVIEW EFFECT.  And although at first it seemed unrelated to the conversation about regrets, after watching it, I realized it is deeply connected.  It is about unity and compassion and caring.  And what greater regret could any of us have than to regret destroying our home, this beautiful planet.

What would you regret?  Are you living a life true to yourself?  Thank you for stopping by, I appreciate it.

 

 

 

Trusting Your Gut!

“Be brave enough to live life creatively. The creative is the place where no one else has ever been. You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. You can’t get there by bus, only by hard work and risk and by not quite knowing what you are doing. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover will be yourself.”

- Alan Alda


I just returned from a trip down to Dunedin to help get my son settled into his new flat.  It was a wonderful experience.  Incredibly busy, but really wonderful.  My favorite piece of the trip was our long, fantastic, heart-warming, intellectually-stimulating, emotionally-connecting dinner at Etrusco.  We spent 3 hours talking and sharing on such a rich and deep level.  It was one of the best nights of my life!

One of the many things we talked about was some new research that is out:  multiple Brain Integration Techniques (mBIT)

“The latest scientific research shows you have three brains!  You have complex and fully functional brains in your heart, your gut and your head.”

At 55 years old, I would have to say that the most important learning I have done in my life is learning to Trust My Gut!  I have learned that I have to leave the city of my comfort and go into the wilderness of my intuition, as Alan Alda so eloquently puts it, to truly live my life to the fullest.  The latest neuroscience findings about multiple brains and what they have to offer for increasing intuitive abilities, helping to make wiser decisions, and generally living a fuller more connected life seem to echo my experience.

Even Richard Branson, super successful businessman, has echoed this sentiment:

“I rely far more on gut instinct than researching huge amounts of statistics.”

I think one of the great goals of life needs to be integrating these three intelligences. One of the things I have emphasized repeatedly to my own children is to learn to listen to their gut,  to pay attention to what their intuition is telling them.  School does a decent job of developing the intellect, the head brain.  But it sorely neglects the heart and the gut.  So as a mother, I want to nurture my sons understanding of integrating the three.

I want to close with a fabulous TED Talk by Mae Jemison. Mae Jemison was the first African-American woman to go into space. She has become a voice for a new vision of learning that combines arts and sciences, intuition and logic.

 

I’d love to hear about your experiences with Trusting Your Gut, and how you integrate your three brains.  And as always, thank you for stopping by, I appreciate it.

 

 

What makes life worthwhile?

“Why are we so obsessed and focused with Gross Domestic Product? Why don’t we care more about Gross National Happiness?”

- King Jigme Singye Wangchuck


My birthday is tomorrow, I will turn 55 years old.  I was thinking about when I was my sons’ ages, 16 and 19.  I used to think anyone over 50 was ancient.  I couldn’t imagine even living that long. But now, at that ancient age, instead of thinking about how long I’m going to live, I am thinking about how I live.  What makes life worth living? What makes life worthwhile?  What is it that people pursue and long for?  And for me, the only answer is happiness and love. It sounds trite, but for me it is the truth.

I was at my friend Jan’s daughter’s wedding this past weekend.  It was a wonderful celebration, an event that had taken over a year to plan and organize.  It was heart-warming to be a part of such a celebration of love.  Because to me, those milestones are the keys to what makes life worthwhile, being surrounded by friends and family.

I was at my happiest recently in Borneo.  Not because I was in Borneo per se, but because I was surrounded by my family – with my sister and my neice, my husband and my sons. Being in Borneo was cool, don’t get me wrong.  I loved the travel – it was fun and an adventure.  But the bottom line was the love I felt being there with the people I love.  Had I just been travelling in Borneo alone, it would have been fun and interesting, but it wouldn’t have been what makes life worthwhile for me.

I want to close with an interesting TED Talk by Chip Conley asking us all to think about What Makes Life Worthwhile?

 

 

I’d love to hear about what makes your life worthwhile?  And are you spending your time pursuing that which makes you happiest?  As always, thank you for stopping by, I appreciate it.

 

Intention!

“Our Intention Creates Our Reality.”

- Wayne Dyer


2013 already feels like a year filled with promise and positive power.  It feels tangible to me. It’s hard to describe, but energetically, things feel different.  Intentions and goals seem to be coming faster.  So now more than ever, it seems so incredibly important for all of us to pay attention to what we are putting out there.

Starting a new year always seems like a great time to start new routines.  I’ve been starting everyday, making at least 1 intention for the day before I get out of bed.  This has been made even easier by using Mallika Chopra‘s wonderful website: Intent.com.  It’s a great social media site that encourages you to set intentions, and then allows others to support you in your intentions.  Another fantastic website is Lynne McTaggart’s website – The Intention Experiment.  McTaggart is doing amazing stuff.  Well worth checking out her work.  A great interview on YouTube.

But it’s important to remember what Caroline Myss so aptly points out:

You cannot change anything in your life with intention alone, which can become a watered-down, occasional hope that you’ll get to tomorrow. Intention without action is useless.

So I invite you to make some intentions today.  Go to intent.com and get them supported.  Then take action on them!  The time is now.  We can all start making a difference in this world, starting with our intentions.  Because remember, our intention creates our reality. 

I’ll end this post with Mallika’s father Deepak Chopra speaking on Awareness, Attention and Intention.

 

 

Please tell me about some of  your intentions and how you plan to take action.  And as always, thank you for stopping by, I appreciate it.