Is Love All You Need? Not Really.
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” ~ Mary Oliver
I was sitting in the seat of the car, looking out the window, pouting. The day was not going as I had planned it in my head. He should have known! He must have known how I wanted it to be. After all, we were married and he should know … he should be able to read my mind …
Lennon and McCartney tell us that “love is all you need.” But in the case of romantic love, is that true? Plenty of research and lived experience tells us: no, it’s not. Alain de Botton describes why we created and still live by the inaccurate, and often disastrous image of romantic love in his NYT article: “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
I explored the concept that we are clinging to a flawed definition of romantic love in my latest article on Thrive Global.
The idea of romantic love tells us that we all have a soul mate out there, that it is our task to find our one true soul mate, and we will know when we find him or her because we will have a very special feeling. Botton describes this search for romantic love in his very entertaining talk “On Love” from The School of Life. You can watch this insightful talk here.
We are led to believe that when we find our soul mate, we will never be lonely again, that person will understand us completely and practically be able to read our mind. (Flashback to me in the car pouting.) We will feel completely understood and loved. This love shall be one long romantic holiday …
Anyone who has experienced a romantic relationship knows that this logic is flawed in so many ways!
For a relationship to last, we need more than that outdated version of romantic love. So what do we need to make a lasting and happy relationship? Well for one thing, we definitely need good communication. The day out with my husband would have turned out a lot differently if I had communicated my vision for the day instead of assuming that he should “just know.”
But aside from good communication, science is showing us that lasting relationships come down to two things: kindness and generosity.
In Atlantic magazine’s article “Masters of Love,” psychologists John and Julie Gottman describe their work. Together they have studied thousands of couples in a quest to figure out what makes relationships work. From the data they gathered, they were able to separate the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages. Read more about this on my blog post.
Ultimately, if we are looking to live happily ever after together, we need to ditch the antiquated idea of romantic love and move forward in the spirit of kindness and generosity. |
There is one thing clear: love, real love, takes effort.
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That is for sure! Real effort and commitment. Real Love takes focus and energy for sure!
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Indeed!!! Once again, thank you for sharing such powerful wisdom.
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Thank you for your kind words!
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My absolute pleasure
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Hi Patti,
A very beautifil post, … “He who plants kindness gathers love.” .
Best regars
José Pastor from Belgium
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Ahhh – Thank you so much Jose. I appreciate you taking the time to comment. I’m very excited to hopefully see you in Massachusetts in December! How wonderful if we can all be together! Makes me happy to think about sharing the love with our beautiful children!
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Am not good at reading long article. But I just have to read this since its all about love. Because that is what I preach each day.
Your beautiful words just made my day. Thank you so much for adding such magical drop of words in my jar of motivation.I feel blessed by your writing right now.
I found delight love in what you just said in your post.
Again such a beautiful write up on your blog.
Keep the vibes on.
#PATRICKSTORIES
Peace ✌and Love ❤
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Thank you so much Patrick! Your very lovely words just made my day. I appreciate it.
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Thanks for replying back to me.
I guess you find my replies to your comment interesting.Am totally happy for your reply to me. I really enjoyed the reply and again making you feel nice at this very moment
Am here again to share a good idea about my award post. I also have good stories you can check on my blog also.
My latest post is the peace love writer award. You can check it out and tell me your own view about it.
Here is the link for the award post
#PATRICKSTORIES
Peace ✌and Love ❤
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Thanks for accepting and following my blog.
I’m available to read your post at my convenient time.
You have such an interesting topic I will love to read in
your blog.
I still remain the simple blogger…..
#PATRICKSTORIES
Peace ✌and Love ❤
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